Fortress of Solitude - are you one?

My wife and I will be celebrating our 2nd Anniversary in September. We are excited because this year we actually get to go and do something. We are planning on going away for a couple days. We haven't figured it out yet, but know we want it to be relaxing.

It's hard to believe that it has been two years. They have flown by so quickly, thanks to Olivia. Looking back it amazes me that in those two short years what we have faced. We made it through the first round of holidays married, had our fair share of family drama's to deal with, and of course pregnancy and then the birth of our daughter. I mean that's a lot of changes crammed into a small package. Lots of stress to add some flavor and you have a very interesting beginning.

My wife and I recently had a discussion about some of the things we had felt while going through certain situations. My wife shared with me some of her fears and worries. Some of them came as a shock to me, but overall we had really been there for me. I realized then how important it was for me to be a place of solitude for my wife. That even the strongest need a place to go to just vent. Superman had his "Fortress of Solitude", my wife had me. I was the place that she could go to when times were tough. It got me thinking what makes a good fortress of Solitude?

Qualities of a Fortress of Solitude:

Strength: - Like any good fortress your fortress needs to be strong. Able to weather whatever beating it is given while offering it's inhabitants shelter. Take for example all the Medieval castles. They had stone walls that served the dual role of keeping out the attacking force and keeping all inside safe from the attacks.

Sturdy: - This might seem a little redundant, but I believe that this is separate from strength. A fortress should be sturdy, it should not bend with the changes in the wind. It should also resist attempts by outside forces to move the fortress.

Soft: - This seems a little counter-intuitive, but the Fortress should not be viewed as this cold hard thing, but should be viewed as a warm inviting place of safety. A place that begs to be returned to.


To Be or Not to Be?

I hope that you understand that I am not talking about a physical location but rather a person. Are you a Fortress of Solitude? This question should be taken seriously. Are you a place of refuge for your spouse or children? Look yourself in the mirror when you ponder this question. Are you strong enough to offer shelter when your spouse needs it? Are you sturdy enough to were your spouse can count on you to be there to back her up? Are you also inviting?

These things are important qualities to have. Ones that really can make or break a marriage. being each others "Fortress of Solitude" is important it opens up the lines of communication. It gives you someone to talk to when to going gets tough or just a person to hold on too when words can't describe what you are going through. Husband and Fathers that is what we are and with those titles comes the awesome privilege and duty to be that "Fortress" not only for your wife but also for your children.

Of all the qualities listed above Strength is the easiest for men to understand. Society has raised many a man to believe that they need to be this thing of iron. To shy away from talking about feelings, or talking about what bothers us. To be a Fortress of Solitude means letting go of that old mentality and embracing a new one. Be the man that allows your wife to come to you and talk about their day or talk about something that bothers them. Strength does not come from being a "hard ass" it comes from showing self-control and understanding. It comes from showing mercy and compassion. Like a medieval castle it's strength didn't come from it's meter think walls or high parapets, but from the safety it provided. Your job as a Fortress of Solitude is to be there when needed and be strong yet merciful, be loving and compassionate. Strength is not the only quality a fortress should have one must also be sturdy. Sturdiness comes from resisting external forces that try to change you. Fortresses are buffeted by wind, rain, hail, and snow but do not move. You are called to do the same. What does this mean? Society changes, cultures mash and evolve. Those forces will try to move you but you need to stand your ground. Your wife needs to know that you have her back and will not be easily swayed by what others think. Your children will look to you to set boundaries and order. Do so and your children will love you for it, but if you don't they will look else where for their boundaries. Do not waver when the time comes for it. Sturdiness goes hand in hand with strength, but sturdiness gives people the knowledge that when things start to fall not on will you be able to handle it but that you will be there. Softness is the last of the qualities. Softness means being open and inviting. Let your wife and children know they can come to you. Don't discourage them by shouting and cutting them off. Listen to them try to understand what they are saying to you. Let your wife know that no matter what you will love her. Let your children know that even when they have disobeyed you that you still love them. Be open to them and show them love. Love is the strongest emotion we as humans have. It drives us, let it drive you to open your ears and not your mouth.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready to be a Fortress of Solitude? This is an awesome task set before you, but I know as fathers you are up to it. Do this and your life will be changed.

Workouts and Eating Plan

So on Monday I began the workout portion of the transformation process and Tuesday began the eating portion of the Transformation Plan. - I really need to come up with a better name than that for the plan.



I am trying to work off of what Men's Health has created for their Belly Off Club, since they have two sets of workout plans that require no gym, I figured I could combine a couple exercise from each to minimize the need for equipment. I also added a couple plank exercises as a little test to see if the workouts are working, it also lets me improve my core strength.

The eating plan is rather simple no eating fast food, no pop, making sure to limit the simple sugars and increase the intake of complex sugars. Eating lean protein, fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Now this sounds simple, but the thing is I haven't been doing this. I have been eating at McDonald's, Steak 'n Shake, etc. all while living a pretty sedentary life style. I knew that I need the fruits and vegetables to be healthy, but they took too much time to prepare and I just didn't want to do that. I was lazy. Now I know there will be times when something quick will need to be made and if you honestly plan ahead you can actually limit the amount of visits that you make. Pack a couple snacks or even make a quick sandwich and bring it with you. This will limit the amount of times that I will have to stop by for a quick bite at a fast food joint. Now that being said, there will be times when being out late wasn't planned or a quick trip to the grocery store turns into stopping by at the home improvement center, dry cleaners, and Baby's R Us for diapers. If your hungry then stop by someplace, but pick from the "healthier" options. McDonald's and Wendy's have better options. Grab a yogurt parfait or a small burger. Something that will tide you over until you would be able to get home and eat a healthier meal.


Fasting:

Fasting is the act of intentionally not eating. I am doing it for religious reasons, others do it for health reasons. I fast every Wednesday becasue I joined an organization called E5men. They are a group of Christian men that have decided to fast on the first Wednesday of every month. This is their reason:

"By fasting for our earthly bride and joining our sufferings to Christ's we
intercede for grace for our brides. At the same time our act of bodily love in
union with Christ accelerates our own conversion." - e5men.com

I think that this is a great practise as it helps you improve your self control. By forcing yourself not to eat and at the same time giving yourself a god reason you improve your success at doing this. Now fasting is not completely not eating. Using the above group as an example you can eat plain bread and water, but make sure that you just eat enough to prevent you from getting a headache or sick. The Catholic Church promotes fasting during the season of Lent. On every Friday during lent Catholics are told to fast, the Church defines the fast as either eating one meal or two smaller meals that when combine would not be greater than the first meal. So you still can eat but you really limit that amount that you eat. Now both examples say that those people with health conditions or that the elderly and children should not partake in fasting.

Now this is my disclaimer - please make sure that you are healthy enough to do this, if you want to try. Talk with your doctor. Also I am not a health professional and not of the things that I write about should be taken as medical fact or medical advise. I am simply writing about my experience and what I am doing.

Teething

It stinks! Plain and simple.

Olivia's teeth have descided that they should were a little lonely and they need a companion. So now she another tooth coming in. This means sleepless nights for our daughter and us. To make things a little easier on us we decided to put her in our bed so that we are not getting up every ten mintues to check on her when she cries. I know many people are against letting the babies sleep in the parents bed, but I don't care. My wife and I get some extra sleep and we have a king size bed. So there is plenty of room for the three of us. We have been luck that in the beginning that they were coming out two at a time so her mouth started to fill in quickly, but now they swithced to coming in one at a time prolonging the whole teething process. I tell you I'm glad that God made it so we don't remember anything until we are 3, becasue I would hateto remember the teething.

Future Transformation

So just as an update: My daughter's 1st birthday went great... she had a good time splashing around in the pool with all the kids. That was really great considering the temperature was creeping closer and closer to 90F. When it was time for cake, she really liked the idea of trying to smash the cake with her hands which meant that she had frosting coated finger, which she then preceded to use to rub her eyes with. Later came the presents, which were absolutely wonderful. She got some great gifts from the family. A lot of clothes (sweet) and some really cool developmental toys.



So I have been mulling the idea around for sometime and I think I am going to do it. After seeing my daughter playing around and trying to get anyone that would to hold her hands so she could practice walking , I realized that she is only going to get faster and want to run more often. I had to face the cold hard fact that I currently can't even keep up with her. I am announcing that I will be drastically changing my lifestyle. I need to set a good example and after reading plenty of other fatherhood/dad blogs I realized how important it is for me and my wife to set a good example. I look at the energy that she has and don't want to be responsible for killing it. I want her to look at me or my wife and know that if she wanted to go run outside that we would be ready in a heart beat and that she will be tuckered out before we are. So I start today. While she is still learning to walk I will be training so that I can keep up with her.



Plan:


The plan is to use the time after she goes down for the night to workout. I will be concentrating on exercises that use body weight and focus on creating lean muscle. I know from my days of weight tranning that muscle burns more calories than any other part of your body and if you have a good amount of muscle on your body that you will burn more sitting than most people do running. So by focusing on muscle development and getting a little cardio earlier on through walks and bike trip with my daughter, I plan to create a deficit in calories. Now to double team this I will also be concentrating on nutrition, because that is what caused me to be in the place I am currently. By eating incorrectly for so many years I have put my body in a bad place. Looking through back at what I eat, I can identify that bad food choices and those foods that I tend to go to for quick fixes. So knowing myself I will have to cut those items out cold turkey. So the following are gone from my new lifestyle:

1. Soda - It's pretty much sugar... good tasting sugar but never the less still simple sugar and should not be in my body


2. Fast Food - I will be honest and say that I eat out a lot.

The items above a really killers not only are they bad for your body, but they are also addictive which they will be hard to give up. Now I'm sure that there are more item than what I have listed that need to be taken out of my lifestyle, but it's a start.

So by increasing my exercise and improving the quality of foods I eat I am hoping to gain a healthier life. I am not calling this a diet, because diets are things that are done for a short time and then you stop, I need a change in the way I think. I need to stop thinking it's ok to grab some fast food, because I then can spend some more time with my daughter. I'm using her as an excuse, yes I should spend more time with her, but is the 1/2 hour it takes to make a meal worth it if it costs me years in the long run? NO it's not. Besides cooking food is fun and I can involve my daughter later one, but for now it gives her a good example.

So tonight I will come up with a plan for the exercises and a weekly menu for lunches and possibly dinner. This should cut down the desire to eat out since the dinner should be already made. I will let everyone know how things go with the planning.

Wow!! How Time has Flown

I want to apologize about the long hiatus from posting, but there have been some rather large changes in our family lives that took up more time than anticipated.

I want to first wish my daughter (Olivia) a Happy 1st Birthday!!! She turn 1 on Saturday. So we are currently in full party planning mode. Which translates into complete chaos. There are party favors, party decorations, and the usual stuff all over the house. We had "attempted" to clean , but it seemed like the mess was just being moved from on room to the next. Well as always everything will come together on Friday. I just hope that the heat lets up a little so that we can hang out outside without worrying that people are going to pass out.

I look back at the past 12 months and am amazed at how much my daughter has grown. It is really just amazing! She went from not being able to hold her own head up to now trying to run around the house(with some support). She went from drinking 15ml of breast milk to 8 oz of breast milk to back down to 4oz of breast milk and now we are trying to introduce cow's milk to her. She eats solid food, it still needs to be cut up in small pieces, but she prefers to feed herself. I look at the list of things that she has accomplished and wonder what's next. What will the next year give us?

I feel that I have grown into the 'Parent" role over time. I can remember conversation with friends about how I was going to be strict and not budge on punishments. I saw that the purpose of a parent, especially a father, was to be a strict enforcer of the rules and that I knew what was best for my kids. After my daughter was born I looked at her and my heart just melted. There was this little person in my arms that needed the love of me and wife to survive. I knew than that my role was not to be an "enforcer" but to be a protector of my family. That while rules are needed they shouldn't be arbitrary but in place to protect, and that occasionally they can be bent. I also saw there was more to being a father than just being a disciplinarian that I was the first guy that she was going to see and that all other men would be measured up to me, and I wanted to make that as difficult as possible. I wanted her to know how much I love her and that she is a person and as such needs to be treated with respect. I also realized that the whole "talk" with any future boyfriends will have to take place in either two places: 1) garage- where all my tools are at while working with some sort of saw or 2) porch/den - while I'm cleaning my hunting rifle, cause my daughter is just gorgeous and will be a real heart breaker.

I tell you being a father has brought just so much joy to my life but it's not all ups. The lack of sleep can really take a toll on your body both mentally and physically. I felt like I was in Special Forces during the first few months. I was working on little to no sleep and was still required to remember the last time her diaper change was, the last time she ate, and how long she has been sleeping, and to top it off still go to work and perform to the best of my abilities. I also remember the first night that she slept the whole night, I woke up at first being a little worried that I slept through here crying but found out from my wife, who is a light sleeper, that in fact she did sleep the whole night. I was so happy because that was the first time we really got some sleep. I remember the first couple diaper changes and how I wanted to buy a gas mask. I also remember the first time she laughed and the first time she cried. Those firsts are great because you really she your child growing up and learning more about their bodies. You also get to see their personality come out as they get older and that's when you really start to think to them as their very own individual with likes and dislikes.

I love looking back and remembering all the past events all important and ones that come. The one thing that I have had reaffirmed by my daughter is that children are a gift from God. Dads keep your eyes open and remember it's ok to be a kid as well.

Weekends

Weekends are great!! They give you time to relax and be with your family and friends. They are great ! Really they are. Well most weekends are great. Once you have kids you realize a weekends are no longer yours. They belong to them. It's take them to soccer or ballet practice, or let's take the kids to this museum. By the end of the weekend you are more tired then when you started. Sounds like Fun? Actually it is. Many people can't grasp the full joy of a weekend like this until they have kids.

Silver Lining

I am an eternal optimist. I can find the silver lining in most situations, maybe it the way I was brought up or maybe it's my faith, but either way I believe that most (if not all) situations have a silver lining. The one thing I look forward to most is being able to spend time with my daughter. The ability to see her amazement at the most simplest of things really sets things into perspective. Here is an example: I took my daughter to the park this weekend (my wife was working) because it was the first "warm" day and decided that it was about time we took her to the park. So I put her into our stroller and bundled her up nice a warm and headed out. She is now 7 months old and can sit up in the stroller so she now spends most of her time staring at her surroundings. We took a nice little 20 minute walk to the park and when we got there apparently other parents were thinking the same think, it's actually warm outside lets get the kids to the park. So we arrived and my daughter just could not get her eyes off the other children playing. She watched them as the slid down the slide, climb the monkey bars, play in the sandbox, and generally being loud and happy. She watched them with amazement. There was a little boy walking around with his older brother and sister that decided to come up to my daughter. At first Olivia (my daughter) was a little taken aback, but then she got real excited. She started to wave her hands in excitement and kick her legs. The boy left but she followed him with her eyes all over the park. I started to laugh because of this. The one thing that was really amazing and as I write this it sounds so trivial but it really was cool. Olivia discovered the cup holders in the stroller. She noticed that if she placed something in them that they would hold the item until she wanted it again. She kept putting things in the cup holder and taking them back out over and over. She did this for a bout 20 mins. I just sat back and watched this and I felt this sense of pride come over me. In fact I wanted to go over to all the parents at the park and say to them that my daughter found the cup holders in the stroller. This simple thing brought so much joy to me that I forgot about the fact that I was tired, sick, hungry, and a little nervous about watching Olivia by myself. This simple act allowed me to slow down and really enjoy life.

Parenthood: The worst and best time of your life

After the trip to the park I made sure she was bundled up still and that she was comfortable. I gave her a pacifier and started walking home. My daughter fell asleep on the way home which gave me the opportunity to think a little. I was still buzzing about the cup holder discovery when I stumbled upon a memory of some advice someone once gave me. They told me that " Parenthood is both the worst and best time of your life." When I first heard that I didn't quite get it. After the park trip I started to get a glimpse into what they meant. Parents have to deal with many issues while their children are growing up from making sure they are safe, making sure they eat nutritious meals, to dolling out punishments. This wide variety of responsibilities gives way to a parent really experiencing some strong emotions. I can tell you now that those "best time of your life" moments while they might not be as frequent as the other times, far out weight anything else. Not only that, but they are the memories that you keep for the rest of your life. No matter how tired, upset, or frustrated you are the moment your child looks at you with their big eyes and either smiles or gives you a hug you forget about the other stuff.

Weekends are a great time to spend with family. Do something together with the kids, even if it is cleaning the house because not only will you be spending time with them, but they might surprise you.

Be the Photographer

Being a father gives you certain responsibilities, one of which is to take pictures. The one tip that I can give you is to ALWAYS CARRY A CAMERA!

It's that simple. If you follow this simple rule you will never be in a situation where your kid(s) do something cute and you have nothing to capture it with.

Now as an amateur photographer I hope to help many dads by showing them how easy it is to turn a snapshot into a photograph (yes there is a difference). This will be an ongoing series where I plan to dive into both the different cameras one can use to the software that can be used to quickly edit and organize all your photos.

Photographic Responsibility:

You are a Dad and as a guy you are looked upon to know your way around electronic devices. Most of you, if not all of you, know how to use a camera. Basically you turn it on, point it in the direction of where you want to take a picture, and press the shutter release. Simple right? Not exactly, there is a little bit of science behind what makes a great photograph. Now your responsibility is to make sure that you capture the moment. Freezing that moment so that you will be able to look back at it and relive the moment. This puts a little pressure on you.

So now what do you photograph? Your child, of Course!! Yes, but how? Well this is a good question, one that has many answers. There are a couple photographic styles that apply to this.

1. Snapshot- This is the route most people go
2. Portrait - This can be done either at a studio or at home
3. Photojournalism/Editorial - This requires no set up you simply capture what you see

Snap Shots: This is what most people do when they take pictures of their children. They either make them stand still in front of something and make them say "Cheese" right before they snap the picture. There is nothing wrong with this and if you are in a bind, and don't have a lot of time to setup then this is great. Despite this there are a couple ways to make this a little better. Try changing the pose. If you have more then one kid in the shot don't stand them shoulder to shoulder, move them around have some sitting others kneeling, some can be closer to the camera other a little further away. Adding a little variety will give your snapshots a little more interest.

Portraits: This is were things get a little more fun.I personally really enjoy taking pictures of my daughter for many reason (she is my daughter, and I love photography). At this point most people will bring their child(ren) to a professional studio to have photographs taken. Often times parents take their children to the studios to get these style of pictures done around milestones (i.e. Christmas, 1st Birthday, etc.). These pictures are very well done with composition, lighting, and post-processing. You are then able to order various sizes of the pictures from the studio. This option can be expensive. Now you can easily get a similar effect using work-lights that you get from Home Depot, but the process can be a little intimidating. I will talk about this style more a little later. The picture to the right was done by me at home. It was used for our Christmas Card.

Photojournalism/Editorial: These pictures are often the most cherished. They are taken with the subject (child) not knowing that they are having their picture taken. These types of pictures will capture them laughing or crying and they can also capture their excitement. These are done purely spontaneously. This is the reason why you should carry a camera with you at all times. It's nice to have pictures from the categories above, but to have a picture that shows your kids laughing or excited really takes the cake. This takes some practice with the camera because each one operates differently. Some have big lag issues where your timing needs to be spot on, to dSLR that allow you almost instantaneous picture capture. Either way this style really allows you to be creative.

All of these styles capture something different. So now go out a try them out. If they don't come out the first time try it again. The more you practise with these styles the better you will get. Also one thing to remember Don't delete them off your camera until you see them at home. This is a big deal because often times a picture that looks as if it was a bad shot on the camera, isn't so when viewed on a bigger screen. Most importantly have fun! This is your kid that you are photographing.